Fire! Fire! Fire!

Survivors guilt.  That is what I feel. Shouts of Alleluia sing from my heart, yet sadness overwhelms my soul for my  friends who lost everything.  With absolutely no structural damage to our house, it seems like a miracle.  Flames only 800 feet away and no damage?  Only the Lord!

On Monday, we had one hour to leave our home.  I remember standing outside in my backyard, praying for God’s grace and mercy on our home.  Nothing could exit my mouth except the name of Jesus. My little wild friend, the Robin, flew down from his tree to my feet.  He sat there chirping and chirping as I prayed.  As silly as it sounds, I prayed for him. He has been my little friend for over a year – through rain, hail, sleet or snow, he’s never left.  I prayed that the Lord would protect him and give him the instinct to fly into safety. However,he would fly to the fence and back, chirping and cocking his head to me.  I wasn’t sure if he was warning me of the danger or saying good-bye, but it made me cry.  Feeling the sense of numbness come over me, I watched the flames appeared on top of the hill about 1200 feet away. I yelled at Mr. Robin to fly and then turned to my neighbor who stood stunned in her yard.  She was in shock, I could tell, but I yelled and yelled until she ran to her car.  Quickly we ran to our own and drove away, too. I remember the eerie sound of trees exploding while the wind cracked.  The smell changing to a deep scent of horror, quickly marking this day as one to never forget.

My husband in one car and me in the other, the world stood still.  The kids remained motionless as tears rolled silently down their cheeks. Fighting my own tears, I began to hum worship songs.  I repeated over and over again the tune to “Blessed Be The Name” until the car was filled with singing.  Our voices cracked as we sang because of all the fear, but we remained singing and crying out in prayer.  Even the cats that were crated in the car with us stopped meowing.  The Lord was truly with us, giving us peace and calm hearts.

It would be days until we heard our house was saved from the fire.  It would be days until we slept a full night of sleep.  It would be days until the haunting memories of that ugly day would be put into perspective. The noise, smell, and irreversible clash of memories seemed impossible to over come and I’m sure it will take years to heal from.  However, my faith seems more alive than ever before.  For some reason I couldn’t pray until today, but my soul would sputter scripture I didn’t know I memorized, giving me peace.  The kind of peace I needed to give my children and husband.  We made it!  Our house was spared!!!  I calculated over 2000 people personally praying for us – not to mention the prayer chains that people put us on.  The Lord heard and answered in our favor. We are pleased.  Alleluia!

Now the healing begins.  Smoke damage is expected as comfort items will most likely be ruined; however, as I have said “Blessed be the name of the Lord.  He gives and takes away”.  There is no question that our needs will be provided for.  So, my next growth is to put that peace into action for daily living.  For example, my mind races with the need for new bed mattresses, blankets, linens, pantry stock, stuffed animals, toys…  even the silly math curriculum that I just purchased from Teaching Textbooks that were sitting on the desk by the back window. They are sure to be saturated in heavy smoke and heat.  Yes, we have insurance and pray that it will replace the things lost.  We’re just not sure how long that will take since 346 homes were lost and many more will suffer the same as us with smoke damage; thus, the many claims being filed.

All this is a lot to digest.  I agree that Rome wasn’t conquered in one day, but my heart is satisfied with what we have been given…  each other.  That is enough.

Give Me Jesus

Last night we had communion at church.  It’s a weekly thing at the midweek service and something we have come to expect.  At first, I didn’t know what to think of the constant taking of communion since our past non-denominational  tradition didn’t follow a regular schedule.   I guess I was afraid that it would become ‘ordinary’ if it was offered so often and somehow become less significant. However, lately I’ve been able to look at this time differently.

After studying more and more about Jesus and His life here on earth, I am in awe.  Just reading the four gospels about the crucifixion has brought communion into a whole new light.  Not only does the bread and wine symbolize the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ for those who believe in Him, but it also symbolizes much more.

By becoming broken, He can relate to every situation we encounter here on earth.  There’s no room for speculation in wondering if He “gets” us when we hurt or struggle.  There’s no under-estimating if He “knows” what we need or desire.  There’s “pain” that He doesn’t feel along side us or tear that goes unnoticed.  He  experienced all of those feelings, and much more, while He hung on the cross for OUR sake. He experienced the deepest human emotional pain possible, even to the point of being abused and torn apart, because He put our need for a Savior FIRST.  How often do you see that kind of loyalty or love from  people?  I always mumble when I’m faced with personal difficulties because I have learned that it’s during those tough times when you find out who your real friends are.  Face it, people fail us regardless of their promises.  People let you down and don’t always say the right things.  It’s comforting to know that there IS someone who understands every deep emotion we encounter.  Whether we’re justified in our feelings or not, Jesus understands and doesn’t judge us.   You see, He chose to keep His human body on the cross as it died so He could show us the miracle of salvation and the hope of eternal life through Him (John 3:16).  He paid the price for all the wrongs we have done simply because He loves us uconditionally. Isn’t that awesome?  Simply asking for forgiveness and accepting Jesus as your Lord and Savior – we can be promised the gift of eternal life after death w/o pain, hardships, or abuse – plus, a forever friend who understands all our craziness.

So, I encourage you…  the next time you take communion, think of more than just Jesus hanging on the cross. He’s not there any more…  He has risen.  Think of Jesus as the friend who understands you and accepts you just the way you are.  Connect with Him on the deepest thought possible and give Him your worries, pains, and circumstances.  He already knows about them, but now you can tangibly see His brokenness [for you] in the bread you hold and feel His protective covering [for you] as you drink of the juice.

“No man will be able to stand before you all the days of your life. I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you.” Joshua 1:5   (No other human-made God can do that).

One Big Happy Family

I sometimes forget how fortunate I am.   In fact, I still sometimes want to pinch myself because I can hardly believe it myself.  Growing up in the city, I never dreamed I would live a life in the country like Laura Ingalls; much less, experience furry friends visiting my back door!

Maybe it’s the smell of  dinner cooking that lures this deer over to my house every night, but whatever it is I sure hope it doesn’t end soon.  She’s just lovely. The funny thing about this wild animal is the fact that she isn’t afraid at all of noise or people.  In fact, it’s as if she enjoys the attention.  It’s not rare to see my inside bunny literally jump for joy when the deer arrives.  In addition, if I was outside upon her arrival, she would follow me all around the yard.  It’s sweet, really.

Who knows why the Lord created such creatures.   I know that many hunt such animals for food, and that is a God given right.  I do not hunt, but do eat meat.  However, these particular animals are protected in our city.  So, they are simply for our enjoyment.  I sometimes sit and watch the habits of the Mule deer.  It’s amazing.  The girls travel together in herds and the male deer travel in herds of their own… separately.  During mating season, usually one male deer will split away from his herd and begin traveling with the females.  During that time, it isn’t uncommon to see males compete with each other over a certain female deer ~ simply for the purpose of procreation.  I say that because after the birth of the babies, the female is left alone to raise the fawn within her herd.

However, there is one animal that doesn’t ever leave the deer – regardless if it is male or female.  It’s the Black Magpie.  These birds are not friendly.  They torture outside pets by diving down and striking the back of their necks.  They tear up trash that is left outside and bully all the other birds.  They are pretty, but loud and obnoxious.  The ironic thing about this bird is it serves a purpose for the mule deer.  It seems to be the only bird that is allowed to stand on the backs of the deer and peck away the flees, bugs, or mites.  Sometimes there are 10 or more of these birds pecking away while a deer is resting under a tree.  The deer actually seems to enjoy the cleaning.  So, although I do not particularly like the magpie, I know he serves a purpose in creation.

So, as I continue to collect photos of these wonderful friends of mine, it never ceases to amaze me the things I learn.  God is good.  He allows such creatures to be examined and appreciated by some, while serving a need for others.  I wouldn’t trade any of this for the world.

“And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so.” – Genesis 1:24

 

Mercy, the Deer

Within the first week of our moving back to Colorado, we were visited by several beautiful deer.  I noticed right away that there was one female deer who was shy and reserved, unlike her sisters.  She would be the last one to eat the leaves off the tree and the last one in line up the trail.  She didn’t seem to have much contact with her gang and that broke my heart.  After a few weeks, we began to gain this deer’s trust.  Soon we noticed her sticking around a little longer than the others.  So, we would throw a few carrots out on the grass and watched her get fat and healthy.

After a couple of months of group visits, this female deer began to come alone.  At first, she would lay beside the house in the shade and not greet any of us.  Then, little by little she would come up to our back window as we watched television, but quickly scamper if we tried to speak to her.  It was during one of these times when we noticed something different.  She had a broken rear leg.  Having one of these injuries must of caused her to be an outcast from the other deer because when the other deer came around, they would head-bunt her and knock her out of the way.  So, we took her under our wing as much as we could and named her Mercy. Mercy kept to her routine for months by visiting us daily. Thankfully, her leg healed, only leaving her a scared bump above the knee. That is how we recognize her now.

 

Mercy has become part of the family.  She is friends with our outside pet bunny and nose-to-nose window friends with our inside cats.  It was exciting to see Mercy finally begin to trust us and not run if we decided to spend time with her on our deck. She is a loyal wildlife friend who, just like everyone else, needs to feel loved.

This last spring, Mercy had a baby.  Since that happened, we figured this was her opening to finally become accepted by her female group again.  However,  just as her mother, the baby was also shunned by the group.  We’re still not sure why this happens to her.  It must be something we humans can’t ‘see’.  Anyway,  we know that the time will come when her baby will leave and find a group of her own, leaving Mercy once again to herself; but we’ll be here.  She is always welcome to lick our glass doors, eat the berries off our trees, and pose for many photos.

“I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the LORD, ‘because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares.’ Jeremiah 30:17

 

Red, the Fox

When we moved to Colorado a few years ago, I had no idea I would be living out my dream with wildlife.  Having lived in Colorado for 11 years prior to our 7 year stint in California, I did not anticipate for a world of difference in a new city when we returned.

Within the past four years, we have made ‘friends’ with a few beautiful animals.  Of course, these aren’t the kind of friends we would pet or feed like a domesticated pet, but we still consider them part of our family. Each have their special markings and keep to a regular schedule for our visits together.

The friendliest wildlife ‘friend’ we’ve made has been Red.  For 3 years, he faithfully visited us at 5 o’clock sharp.  Knocking at our back door with his paws and nose, he would welcome ‘story time’ with my daughter.  With glass separating them, each would lean against the glass as if they were snuggling.  If for some reason we were late getting home at night, Red would sit on our fence and wait.  Many times the neighbors would comment about his ‘waiting’ and go out to talk to him.  However, Red would run whenever someone approached.  He made us feel special and we loved him.

Sometimes Red would skip a few days from visiting, but we figured he was out hunting or mating.  He would always come back.  Upon his return, he would bring bones or egg shells to our back fence.  We considered those gifts and in return we would leave him a fresh egg.

Unfortunately, there came a time when Red never returned.  We went weeks wondering what happened to him.  Putting eggs out in our regular spot, they would go untouched.  Our hearts sunk as we realized that the circle of life must of taken over and Red wasn’t going to return.  It wasn’t until 3 months passed before we heard through a neighbor that Red had died. The neighbor shared that Red was hit by a car during a snow storm. They watched as Red found the strength to crawl up to their back porch to lay down.  It is there where he died.  It was one of the saddest moments to be made aware of; however, it gave us relief that we knew what had happened.  My daughter was heart broken, but we are so thankful that we have many photos that captured their unique friendship.

“Blessed be your name. In the land that is plentiful, where the streams of abundance flow… Blessed be your name. You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, ‘Lord, Blessed be your name.” – Matt Redman

Little Blessings

It’s amazing how important a little box of kleenex can become.  Regardless of the necessity of needing any, it’s simply nice to have them around.  Sounds silly, but for many years during our unemployment we didn’t buy such luxuries.

Just the other night, however, we’re sitting on the couch watching a movie when my youngest sneezed.  Instead of running upstairs to the bathroom that she did for the past few years, she simply reached over to the table and grabbed a kleenex.  Without a thought, the box tissue that we went without for so long is suddenly readily available again.  I call those little blessings.

The box of tissue was used again this past weekend when I underwent some necessary drama.  Yes, I said “necessary” because it is through trials when we grow.  Unfortunately, regardless of where the fault lies, the consequence is for everyone to pay.  That is a truth I’ve learned in life.  Paying the consequence of someone else’s lack of wisdom is part of life. Like it or not, we can not control people; therefore, other peoples actions and reactions can cause you pain unexpectedly, just as someone else’s joy is contagious.  It’s up to us in how we handle it. You see, we never ask for trials, nor do we ever seek them out.  Most of us desire peace. However in a world of sin, there will never be peace until the return of Christ.  Therefore, walking in obedience to Him is vital for survival.

For Believers in Him, our spiritual ‘box of kleenex’ is the Word of God.  Sounds kind of silly to use such a metaphor, but  when we sneeze in life (encounter trials) Jesus is always readily available to give us what we need.  That is why it is so important to bath ourselves in the Word of God (in and out of season) so we are armed with wisdom.  With wisdom, we gain knowledge and self control.

In all seriousness, if the Bible tells us that Jesus read the scriptures and prayed, shouldn’t we? After all, it’s in battle when we need to draw upon our weapons of defense.  But how can we go against the enemy if we have nothing to draw from?  The answer is, we can’t.  We need Christ.  We need the Bible.  We need wisdom.  Shoot, we need our box of kleenex!

  “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.” James 1:2-3

Pulling Our Ticket

After 3 years, 8 months, 1 weeks and 3 days – we are officially pulling our ticket from the unemployment bag of tricks!  Yes, my husband is employed… full time!  It’s been a long journey these past few years, but we made it.  Needless to say, a lot of growing took place.  For that reason, I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

I wont kid you… this journey has been a tough one.  We moved two times, under went some medical issues with two of our children, fought to keep our unemployment as long as we could, and became humbled as we accepted gifts of food, money, and prayer for our needs.

Our Story: Four years ago, we were living in California.  We were comfortable there with a secure job, nice home, and rooted in our church; however, we were unsettled in our hearts.  Although we were surrounded by friends and family, we knew the Lord was calling us out.  Not being a popular decision from others, we had a desire to return to Colorado.  We began to pray.  As our desires grew in anticipation, our securities seemed to take on a bigger position in our lives.  Recognizing this, we continued to pray that the Lord would confirm His will and what He wanted for our lives.  It seemed that so much time was going by without any progress regarding our desire…  So, we began to question our desires to move and started asking the Lord “Why are we so confused?  what are we not hearing correctly?”  The only logical reason we could grasp is our personal desires were not in line with God’s perfect will for our lives.  So, we began to pray more direct.  We prayed for the Lord to remove our securities in order to align our desire with His will. Ironically, two weeks later my husband was laid off of his job without warning.  I remember running to him as he walked through the door at noon.  I jumped in his arms because deep inside I knew the Lord answered our prayers.  As crazy as it sounds, there was not a doubt that He would take care of us.

I had no idea that it would be four years before we saw another official paycheck.   I mean, my husband is a hard worker and he did not allow one month to go without providing for his family.  His trade in construction helped put food on the table and clothes on our backs. However, it was close most months.

Going on our fourth year here in Colorado, still being unemployed, we began to pray boldly again.  We prayed that the Lord would once again confirm His will in our lives through drastic measures.  Doubting that we were in the right place because of the unemployment, we were prepared to uproot our family again.  Taking action in looking for houses, jobs, and churches in the city, we fought against our deep desire to stay where we were.   However, once we surrendered ourselves completely, things started moving.  A new place to live was offered (in a childhood dream in location) with plenty of room; we were once again settled in a strong Bible teaching church; and most of all, my husband was offered a job (better than the one in California) that would keep him in our current town.  Amazing!

We believed in the promise of the Lord being faithful to His children.  We believed that He would show favor and provide according to His will.  We believed that He would see us through no matter what happened. Our faith grew and so did our relationship with Jesus.  I believe without this time of unemployment and total dependence of who Christ says He is, we would not have experienced His truth and love for His children in the powerful way that we did.

What did we learn?  Well, we learned to never put our faith in monetary securities.  We’ve see money in a whole new light.  We also see how important it is to pray, read, and sing praises despite our circumstances.  We learned how special each and every one of us are to Jesus and how faithful He is to His children.  The most important thing we learned is that you can never go wrong if you walk in the ways of the Lord.  Let us be a testimony to not give up and give in to your circumstances.  Trust the One who made you… and believe He has your best interest at heart.

 

 

Before You Were Born…

October 30 serves as a very special day.  It’s an anniversary of sorts for my family.  It doesn’t celebrate our engagement or marriage; it doesn’t celebrate anyone’s birthday or any special family holiday.  It’s just a day that is put aside to remember someone we lost.  It’s been 12 years since we lost little Nicholas.  He was our second child, but one that we never met.  He was an ectopic baby that had to be terminated in exchange for my life.  I remember that day clearly and still mourn for the little boy I never got to cradle.

Each year on October 30th, we remember Nicholas.  For my husband, he showers me with white roses while I sit with him and treasure our children who surround us today.  It’s a day to be thankful.  We think about how our unborn son might of looked like and where his place would be in our family, etc.  It’s a beautiful day set aside to remember.

This past October 30th was different.   I was down with a head cold. Being distracted by not feeling very well, I failed to notice any reminders of the special date.  For the first time in 12 years, I forgot.  The traditional white roses were missing and the mention of his name was not heard.  However, something amazing happened.

It was mid afternoon when I went outside to take care of our animals in the field.  Routinely, I pass by the beautiful willow tree that shades my backyard and a split rail fence divide the field from the grass.  I seem to always find time to sit on the wooden bench that faces the  mountain valley.  It’s a place of solitude when I need quiet time to sit and pray.  On this particular day, rest is what I needed most.  I was ill.  The fresh air seemed to clear my nasal passages and give me a boost of energy.  However, when I looked down by my side I saw a rock holding an envelop firmly down on the bench.  It read, “Mommy“.  Right away I picked it up and studied the handwriting.  I remember thinking to myself that it must of belonged to another ‘mommy‘ because the handwriting didn’t match any of my children.  However, I continued to open it.

It was a plain white piece of paper, with five words written in crayon, “I’ll see you up here“.  I then looked up to the sky and deeply noticed the white clouds against the crystal blue back drop. I knew instantly that “up here” meant, Heaven. Then, my husband approached me and whispered, “It’s October 30th“.  My eyes filled with tears and realized that my husband knew just where to remind me of our son.  My heart raced with a flood of memories as I glanced back up to the sky.  My husband then continued to remind me that I might of forgotten this time, but to remember that our baby is remembered every day. He’s in our heart.  Nicholas is a part of our family whether we remember with roses or not.   Because of our faith in Jesus Christ, He promises us a reunion.  We’ll know our son immediately when it’s our turn to enter Heaven.  For that, I found peace in the hope of everlasting.

Many don’t understand the complexity of ectopic pregnancies and the emotions behind the process.  Everything from the medical termination of a dangerous pregnancy to the guilt, fear, and sadness that accompanies it.  In addition, many will struggle to understand how a baby that was never born could be so deeply known by his family.  Regardless, we take life very serious – it is a gift.   So, maybe this year was different.  There wasn’t an anticipation of white roses or heart felt card in exchange, but it was a special day indeed.  One that I will treasure.

“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.”  Jeremiah 1:5

Bullying With Ignorance

I teased my friend that the title of this post should be the title of my next book – it’s so juicy and full of expression.  Whewww!  I’ve been through a lot these past couple of weeks and now I am ready to tell my story! Of course, there is so much more to the story than this post, but this is the just of it…

A couple of years ago I wrote a book titled, “Learning Curve”.  The book is based on a learning disability my son encountered, which stood corrected by incorporating full right brain-dominant learning curriculum and teaching strategies. The whole research project involved me diving into information involving brain dominant learning styles and matching those styles with the right school curriculum. Much to his success, my son beat the odds and soared above expectations after implementing such strategies- eliminating the so called ‘disability’ all together.  In fact, as kind of a test (with the option to withdraw), I enrolled him in an online charter school last year just to prove my point.  I worked side by side the ‘teacher’ on board and shared my research, giving all the kids in the class a step up in learning.  My son ended up making the honor roll 3 out of 4 quarters! It was a a true victory!

Anyway, this year I decided to withdraw from the program and take my son back to watch him soar even more! However, when filing the withdraw papers I started meeting opposition from the school.  I didn’t come against rude behavior or defiance, but rather quite the opposite. The staff seemed to be bending over backwards to keep him enrolled. I was a bit confused until I began to explain my reasons and what I could offer my son opposed to the online school. Pretty black and white.

One week later, I found my self innovated by phone calls and e-mails, begging us to stay.  It felt pretty good, thinking they liked what we offered.  However, my mind was made up… but the phone calls kept coming.  Two weeks later, the principal calls.  She begs and then admits that the issue wasn’t about competence on my end, but rather about government funding for them (staff salaries and material).  Yes, she even apologized that my son became a dollar bill in their eyes. Unbelievable! THESE ARE OUR EDUCATORS!!!

So when I stood against their request… the bullying began,  “You can’t offer what we can” ~ “Homeschooling without us wont help you be a better mom” ~ and then came the kicker after I trumped every attack, “Stay through October count and we’ll allow you to keep the laptop, any school material, attend field trips, and any website with a password that you find helpful“.  I got to tell you, government funding for the public schools must be a big thing!  I guess it’s more important than the education of the children.

 

Sometimes The Decision Isn’t Easy…

As many of you know, I run an internet based curriculum counseling center where I help homeschooling parents find the perfect curriculum for their children.  It’s very exciting and I love what I do, but on some days I find myself struggling with my choices for my own children.  People say it makes me ‘human’, but no body likes the feeling that accompanies decision making time.

Well, four weeks into our new school year and I have already conclude that things need to change.  For the second year in a row, I enrolled my sons in an charter online school, for structure sake, with the ability to discern curriculum and teach it the way I wish.  I love the program, but have seen some weakness in the lead teacher this year.  Therefore, I am researching new ideas.

Where so many families would struggle with making the decision to try something new, I find myself dealing with the same insecurities.  We have concluded that my sons need to grow freely in his studies (while incorporating his learning behavior) is our highest priority.  Of course this comes secondary to his spiritual growth in Christ, but still quite important.  Creating a love for learning is valuable, in my opinion.  Ignoring their learning needs and complying to what has been handed to me as parent/teacher can not override my gut feeling for something more.  However, it is hard.  Even though I am a veteran homeschool mom (going on 10 years), it is still a step of faith when branching out on my own – with no safety net beside my God.  For me, maybe the decision to ‘change’ is being based on selfish reasons, but none-the-less, I know I can provide better concept building ideas; as well as material geared towards his type of learning style. In addition, I am confident that when the Lord puts a desire in your heart, He is faithful to see it through. So, I should have no fear.

I use our present situation as an example of how faith works – at least in my life.  Soaking up the Word of God and keeping diligent in prayer about the situation makes the transition into something new a bit easier than if I jumped to a conclusion based on emotion.  Everything must be in supplication to Him in prayer… asking for discernment and wisdom.  Then, we must act out of obedience and take the step of faith, fully depending on Him as our guide.  In my opinion, we can’t go wrong in doing so.  I believe He honors our steps in faith…

So, as I trust the words I write, I will walk by faith and be confident in my decisions…  because I serve an awesome God.  It doesn’t matter if people agree with me or not – my family is a gift the Lord has given me and fortunately I live in a state where I still have the freedom to choose my son’s path in education.